I once loved a girl. Well, I thought what I was feeling for her was love. I thought of her. I dreamt of her. I went to school early so I could have a chance to talk to her. It must be love, or? I thought she loved me too. She always laughed when we were talking. She loved my jokes—I thought.
Then one day I gathered the courage to go to her house and propose love to her. I thought very deeply of how I was going to say it–the way I was going to approach the topic. I even had time to plan my reactions toward her response; if she said yes, I was going to jump up to the sky and scream “Yes! I won.” Then I would tell her how I’m going to make her life better–how I was going to flash her life with good loving.
I rehearsed how to react to her ‘yes.’ What I didn’t do was to plan how I’ll react in case of embarrassment. I was so sure I was going to win.
I walked to her house reciting my proposals as I walked. About fifty meters away from her house, I saw her approaching. My heart skipped several beats. Immediately, the words on my lips—the love proposal jumbled up. Like a dumb trying to put words together. I couldn’t stand the feeling. I took the next turn and hid behind a wall. When she passed, like a staunch catholic, I did the sign of the cross and uttered; “thank God she didn’t see me.”
I was in Junior High School then. Yeah, I began to love very early. I couldn’t tell her. My courage was ephemeral.
To avoid the physical interaction that almost scared me to death, I wrote her a love letter. I wrote it at dawn so I could enjoy some silence whiles I listened to my muse and what they have to tell me. I poured my heart out. It was the best letter of my life. I ended the letter by saying; “No one will love you this deep, not even your mother.”
I placed the letter in her desk when I got to school. When she came to school, she found it. I saw her slit the envelop I’ve decorated with heart stickers and pencil drawings of love. Then she began to read. I couldn’t sit still. I wish I had some vanishing powers so I could disappear for a while. My heart was virtually leaping into my mouth. It was a terrible situation I was in that morning.
After reading the letter, she smiled. Looked at my direction and still smiled. I screamed in my head; Yes! She likes me. Then she left her desk and started walking to my direction. “Do you know what love is?” She asked. “Do you know what love is?” she repeated. This time her voice getting louder. Then she screamed whiles beating me with the envelope; “What do you know about love?” I couldn’t say a word. The whole class laughed at me. My friends mocked me. I became a laughing stock for the week.
I didn’t know what love is but I loved. I didn’t know what love is. Maybe if she asked me what love isn’t, I could have at least tried to answer.
Growing up, I still grapple with what love truly means. It seems everyone experience love differently. It seems. People have different ideas about love and they will die for their idea of love because they hold that to be self-evident. What if. Again, what if what we believe love to be isn’t love after all?
A friend once told me; “my boyfriend is very jealous. He’s jealous because he loves me.” Jealousy isn’t a sign of love. We mistakenly think people who are jealous in a relationship truly love their partners and are jealous because they don’t want to lose them. Far from that. Jealousy is a sign of low self-esteem than it is about love. You could be jealous when you see your partner with someone whom you think is better looking than you are.
That makes you moody and gets you thinking your partner might be interested in the other person because he/she is ‘better looking’ than you are. Jealousy thrives where confidence is low. “Jealousy is love” is a dangerous myth couples need to expel from their relationship.
When people try to categorize love into ‘conditional’ and ‘unconditional’ it makes me a little bit uncomfortable. I’m yet to meet a person who loves another base on no conditions at all. All our love for other people is based on conditions. Yeah, we say true love shouldn’t be based on material or cosmetic reasons. That is understandable.
If you love someone because of beauty, someday the beauty would be gone. What then happens to your love? If it’s about money, what happens to the love when the money is gone? So it’s alright when our love is not based on material stuff. That notwithstanding, every love is conditional.
I love you on condition that you treat me right. If today you treat me right and tomorrow you start treating me like garbage, with no respect and dignity that I deserve, what stops me from taking my love away? Someone once told me; “I love you for who you are and not for any other reason.” Loving me for who I am is even a condition. If someday I lose myself and become someone I’m not, or my attitude changes into something that is not part of my being, wouldn’t you have a reason to leave?
The condition here is my being able to stay as I am. The condition here is my ability to continue treating you right and with respect. My parent loves me so much. If today I try to kill them and fail. And continue to try to find ways of killing them; do you think they’ll still have love for me? Even parents’ love can be conditional.
“Love hurts. Love scars. Love wounds and marks any heart not tough or strong enough to take a lot of pain, take a lot of pain.” That’s the lyrics from the song “Love Hurts” by Nazareth. But does love really hurt?
Not at all. Love is love and hurt is hurt. The two are very different. Wounds, pains, heartbreak are not love. They are called suffering. There are times people we are in love with cause us pain. Their attitude towards us might cause us some hurts but the hurting part is not what love is. It has a name. The name is ‘hurt’ and not love.
If you are in a relationship that gives you a lot of hurt and pain than love, you don’t have to be confused about it. You don’t have to think you are suffering for love. Nope! You are suffering for the sake of suffering and not love. If it hurts, have the courage to walk away. Love shouldn’t hurt you.
“The sex was awesome. He is the only one who has ever made me feel this way. Hmmm, it must be love.” Sister wake up from your slumber. What you had with him is called sex. Sex is a human need. It’s a drive that isn’t necessarily attached to our emotions like love is. You can have sex today and it’s so bad that you don’t want to even see the other party again.
Sometimes after getting the gratification you seek out of sex, it suddenly dawns on you that you’ve made a mistake for giving in or your curiosity has landed you in the wrong corner. Sex can happen out of curiosity, the need to experiment and just to also feel wanted. Love is love. Sex is sex. At some point the two intersect. But in actual sense, the two run parallel to each other.
This is the new craze. It’s a new yardstick for measuring love or testing the temperature of love between lovers. “He used my picture as his Facebook profile picture. He used the picture he took of me yesterday as his WhatsApp display photo. He must have so much love for me to be able to do that”
When I was dating my wife in school, she used to question me on why the wallpaper on my computer isn’t her photo. She fought me a lot times about that. I remember she didn’t speak with me for a whole day because of this reason. I’m at a loss why some people see this as a sign of love.
Well, as someone told me, “if you love her, you should not have problems showing her to the world. Her photo being on your DP is another way of showing her to the world.” The question is, will you be there when he’s answering the question “who’s that on your profile” to friends?
Love is more than you on a profile picture. Love is love.
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