I’m not sharing my story to get sympathy from the public. I don’t need sympathy, I only believe someone out there should hear my story. I’ve been thinking about sharing my story with you the day I read the story you published about the woman who found out her husband was gay. I didn’t find out she was a lesbian, she confessed it a week to our wedding.
I’ve dated a lot of women I had the intention to get married to but most of the relationship didn’t work out. They leave me just when I thought everything was going right. Most of the excuses I got were either flimsy or confusing; “I don’t think I’m good enough for you.” “I believe another lady will serve a better wife to you than I am.” “You are too good to be around a woman like me.”
I keep getting these excuses from women I’ve loved and had plans of settling down with. At some point, I thought there was something about me that drove these wonderful women away. I started having low self-esteem when it came to women. I found it very hard to even approach a woman because, in my mind, they’ll eventually leave me just like all others. I stayed out of a relationship for about three years just to think things over and find out what was wrong with me.
In January 2013, I found a new job. My old job was good and paid very well. This new job was a step better than the old one and I loved the challenge it presented so I didn’t think twice when the offer came. Five months into my new job I found Adjoa. Well, I didn’t find her. She was actually introduced to me by one of my colleagues. It was at the colleague’s birthday party. I was a little bit drunk. That could only explain why I had the confidence and the courage to talk to Adjoa throughout the party.
Our conversations continued after the party. We got used to each other and finally, I proposed to her. She said no. I engaged the services of the colleague who introduced her to me to help me get a yes from her. She said yes. Finally.
She became everything to me. We never had a fight or even quarrel. Life was good between us and we appreciated each other very much. I realized my presence meant a lot to her so I always made it my priority to be with her at any chance I got. Have I said already that we never had a fight? Well, that means a lot to me because in all of my other relationships there were fights after fights until final goodbye. Relationship with Adjoa was different. The only thing lacking was sex.
She laid the rule very early in the relationship. She didn’t want sex until we were sure of each other and are ready to take the relationship a step higher. That didn’t bother me. I’ve had sex with people I loved and they still left me. If this doesn’t want sex and is ready to be by me, why have a problem? It was all fun between us and marriage was the next obvious step to take. We started planning towards marriage. It happened fluidly without our conscious knowledge. It was the day I and my family were going to meet her family that I realized things were getting serious.
We went for the marriage list and decided on the date for the traditional marriage and the white wedding. Everything was in a flow and I was enjoying the whole ride. For once, I’ve gotten closer to marriage than I’d ever been with all other ladies who came into my life. That was to me, a huge relationship milestone.
One morning. A week before our wedding I had a message from Adjoa; “Come and see me quickly after work. We need to talk.” For the first time in my working life, I worked all day with absent-mindedness. I was thinking what might be the issue. My mind kept racing with a lot of stupid thoughts; “Is she going to call off the wedding?” “Oh no, she can’t do that. We’ve come too far for this to happen to us.” “Or maybe she found out about my past and want to leave me.” “hmmm… but what is it about my past that’s so bad that she would leave me based on that?” All sort of thoughts kept running through my mind.
Soon, work closed and I hurriedly run over to her house. I knocked on her door. Three times; knock, knock, knock. Nobody answered. I called her phone. Switched off. Turned the knob of the door. It opened. Stuck my neck in first. Nobody was in the hall. The TV was on. Her fragrance was all over the hall. I got curious.
I took in a very deep breath hmmmmm….just to fill my lung with her fragrance. I walked to the door leading to the bedroom and knocked. Silent. I called her name three times; “Adjoa….Adjoa…..Adjoa.” Still silent. Turned the knob and click! It opened. I called again; “Adjoa are you there?” No answer. I stuck my neck in first again and……
“Wow”…”Woooow!” this time I screamed it. She planned it and she planned it very well. She got me. She was lying on her bed naked. When I say naked…I mean naked. I’ve never seen her naked since we started dating. I knew she was beautiful but what I saw that day was more beautiful than I’d ever anticipated.
She beckoned to me to sit next to her on the bed. She told me, “Just so you know nothing is wrong with me, I present my nakedness to you. Don’t have any doubt, it’s only a week to our wedding.” “I don’t have any doubt,” I said. “I’ve always known you want our good.”
And then she hit me with a mall hammer…
“I’m glad you don’t have any doubt. I have doubt.” “What’s your….before I could complete my statement, she snapped, “I’M A LESBIAN and I doubt if this will work.”
“You….you…you’re what?” I stuttered. I normally stutter when my heart is breaking or when I have to respond to things I have no answer to. I repeated, this time trying not to stutter; “yooooouuuuu aaaaaar what?”
“I don’t even know who I am. What I know is, I’ve never enjoyed sex with any man. It feels ordinary and eventless. I won’t lie to you, I’ve had girls and they’ve been the ones to turn the switch on for me. It’s like they care about what they are doing to you, men I’ve had don’t care. They do it selfishly and what they do don’t get to me. I promised not to do a man again but you came along and I wanted you….”
Care. Switch. Selfish. I wanted you. These words and phrase from her speech kept ringing in my head. I left and drove away. It was a Monday. Saturday we were going to get married. I switched off my phone and slept. I should have been disturbed but surprisingly, that night, I slept like a baby. Once or twice I woke up in the middle of the dawn and thought about what happened but I had a good night sleep. When I woke up in the morning, the words started coming back to me; “Care. Switch. Selfish. I wanted you.”
I sent her a message; “Why are you telling me this? We have only some days before our wedding.” She replied; “I thought of not telling you. But my heart couldn’t stand the thought of keeping this secret. You are a good man and you deserve better.” That last sentence sounds familiar right? Yeah, they all say that when they want to leave. I sent her back; “Do you think you need help?” She replied; “Can you help me?”
That’s exactly what I wanted to hear. I wanted her to admit that she needed help. Let’s go back to her rant again. Not everything. Just a line; “…men I’ve had don’t care. They do it selfishly and what they do don’t get to me.” What if I showed her that I care? What if I don’t do it selfishly? Will I win then? Somehow, I convinced myself she wasn’t a lesbian. She’s only lacking sexual gratification, from men. I trusted my game because I have time for sex. All the ladies who left me had excuses but sex wasn’t one of the excuses. “I can rescue her,” I told myself.
Saturday came. We got married. We had questions and it showed on our faces. But we couldn’t withdraw from the joy we were surrounded by. We dived in. We danced. We drank. We took photos. We came home to begin our journey of marriage. We’ve been married for three years now. We’ve had troubles. A lot of them. Sometimes she dresses me up like a woman before she could enjoy sex with me. I fight it. I fight her. She wins some and I win some.
I looked into the mirror one day, with this makeup on and wearing one of her wigs and in a dress, she purposely bought for me. Ewww I looked awful but I looked back at her in the bed and how she was lying contently and I believed it was worth it. Our counselor tells me she isn’t a lesbian. She was only confused. I want to believe that. But somehow, I get uneasy when I see her with her female friends. That’s minor. I will get over it. And she’ll get over her lesbian tendencies. God knows I want her to be healed because I pray for her every day.
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