Maybe it’s television, maybe it’s the Internet, maybe it’s your loud neighbor whose orgasms are damn relentless: It feels like everyone except you is having an orgasm. All. The. Effing. Time. And since men come so easily — thanks to science, lol — it may feel like literally everyone on Earth is having one big ejaculation party and you’re not invited.
Well, they’re not, because guess what? Plenty of women struggle to reach orgasm. But that shouldn’t be, because orgasms are great and you deserve to feel explosively good. So here’s what you should be doing to get there.
Know Thyself
Or in this case, your body. That means figuring out how to masturbate and get comfortable with yourself. That’s crucial, sex therapist Vanessa Marin says.
“As the creator of Finishing School, an online course that teaches women how to orgasm on their own and with their partners, I’ve seen the most success when my clients learn to orgasm via masturbation first,” she says. “Learning how to orgasm isn’t just about learning how to orgasm. It’s about getting to know your own body, getting comfortable with your sexuality, and getting rid of shame and embarrassment. It’s about taking time for yourself, and putting yourself first for a change. It’s about learning to feel sexy in your own skin. It’s about feeling worthy of attention and pleasure. Learning how to masturbate is one of the most empowering experiences a woman can have! ”
That could mean using a vibrator or your hands — or, it could just mean looking at yourself naked to see what’s really going on down there. “Get comfortable with your body,” sex therapist Dr. Megan Fleming says. “That may or may not include a mirror and separating your labia and seeing the clitoris.”
She also encourages women to not just focus seeing how their genitals react to stimulation but how their entire body responds to stimulation — that means it’s time to figure out if you like your nipples squeezed or if you’re into something else. What kind of sensations do you like? Do you like the feel of being touched at the elusive seventh spot that Monica cried out for in Friends? None of this is possible to know unless you try for yourself.
Okay, Now Practice
It’s, uh, like riding a bike…only…it’s yourself, and way more fun.
“Practice, practice, practice,” sex therapist Sari Cooper says. “You have to be in a very relaxed state and do deep breathing while you’re using your fingers or using a toy [so that you are] figuring out which areas really feel the most sensation.
Arousal isn’t just physical, Dr. Fleming says, it’s mental, so you might need to read something steamy or fantasize to get yourself going.
Realize It’s Going to Take You Much Longer Than a Dude to Finish
Ever wonder why you haven’t shattered your metaphorical windows after three minutes of penetration? Well, that’s twofold — first, it takes most women clitoral stimulation, not genital stimulation, to finish, Laurie Watson, sex therapist and host of the podcast Foreplay, says.
“I have an inordinate number of young women who say, ‘I can’t orgasm the real way’ – that’s so tragic to me,” Watson says. “The real way women climax is clitoral stimulation. It’s usually a position that tugs or pulls or bumps her clitoris.”
And secondly? Watson says it takes an average of 45 minutes for a woman to reach orgasm. That includes about 20 minutes of relaxing and getting in the mood or some kind of lead up and then approximately 20 minutes of direct stimulation. Do. Not. Feel. Bad. About. That.
Tell Your Partner What You Need….Gently
Watson says that women should feel comfortable pulling out a vibrator when they want it or asking for oral sex if they want it, and should realize that penetration isn’t the only way to orgasm.
Again, a lot of this this is literally impossible without knowing what you like, and everyone has different tastes and preferences! So maybe it’s time to schedule some alone time?
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